Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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