I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
