i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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