Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize