i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
