I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
