I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
