he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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