You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
