the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
