I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
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