Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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