Whatcha textin bout Willis?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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