And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
