I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
