90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
