If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
