Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
