I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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