What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
