My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
