I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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