i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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