he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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