I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
