Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
