come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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