Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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