and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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