I cannot find my penis.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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