Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
