I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
