We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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