as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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