a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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