my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
