Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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