Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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