Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
