I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
