There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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