he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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