remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
