I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
