I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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