I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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