ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
