I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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