Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
