The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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