Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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