did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
