So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
