Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
