I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
