Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
